again…

i’ve seen
this face
this smirk
this arrogant stare
before…

i’ve felt
this emptiness
this longing
this lifeless
beating of my heart
once…
not too long ago.

i’ve been here
not just once
but more than
i can ever remember.
i’ve passed
this chaotic street
almost
everytime.

i’ve seen myself
struggling for
the same reason
for the same pathetic lie.

am i tired?
am i still capable of
understanding the word?
am i entitled to feel
exhausted?
will i stop?

i can…
but i wont.
the same way
i wont hate life,
just the part
of living it
for the sake of it…

just this once
i’m not gonna ask
you to stop.

just this once,
i’ll let you
enjoy your misery,
i’ll let you
breathe the
pain,
i’ll let you
feel the emptiness
as you look
at me,
knowing,
once, i was
partly yours.

just this once,
i’m not gonna
ask you
to slow down,
to think,
to weigh things,
i’ll let you feel.

just this once,
im not gonna care
about having
to hurt you,
i’ll let you
love me.

just this once,
im not going
to ask you
to stop.

just this once
i will not care.

arbitrary

your not so quite silence…
the variation of your shades…
our humorless laugh…
your intangible presence…
the undeniable boredom
about fruitless
yet juicy conversation…

extricating myself
in a such pragmatic way
on the spur of the moment…
will either be
my very own fear
or my ever postponed
salvation…

will i be left
as a bystander of miracle
or will i be staring
at the atrocious reality?

i’ve heard the brittleness
of this voice inside me
crying for another chance…
hoping for another
sweet poison…
how can i possibly
shun myself from
this scorching fear
that is slowy eating me up
with just the thought
of me forever losing you…

until when?

i don’t know what else
i can do for you
to stop and try
to think about me…
or at least…
them.

do you really
expect me
to turn a blind eye
to everything
you are doing
not so subtly?

do you really
think i’ll believe
every bullshit
you are trying to feed me?
that i believe you
when you said
everything will fall into places?

have it ever occured to you
how much i have sacrificed already?
how much of my life
has been wasted
for taking care of you
for waiting…
for hoping
that you will
eventually wake up
and realize i have been
suffering for too long?

do you really believe that
i wont get tired?
that i wont stop?
that i’ll bend more?
that i will never break?

does my pain
isn’t enough yet?
am i not bleeding enough?
am i still sturdy enough for you?

how long will
you want me
to endure every pain?

how many heartaches
must i have
before you ask me
to stop?

how many shitty roads
must i take
before you tell me
it is your turn
for this task?

have you?

have you ever felt
trapped, and as you
search for fear
for expected panic;
you found nothing?
like the sudden darkness
and the lack of space
to move
gave you the feeling
of safety and security?

have you ever fight
the urge to smile
cause nothing
is going your way
and there’s a lot of things
that are trying
to get your attention?
you know the feeling
of not knowing
where to go
or what to do
yet you keep on moving
not because you had to
but because you want to?

ever felt so confused
that your senses ache?
have you ever saw yourself
gritting your teeth
cause fate played you up
that you barely
had the time to breath?

have you ever felt
trying to hold on
to your sanity
just to conform
to the rules of
this stage
called life?

have you ever felt
the urge to stop…
to wish for you
to vanish…
yet you found yourself
still breathing…
still living…
still fighting….
not because you want to…
not because you had to…
but because people
were doing their best
for you to stay…
for you breath…
for you to feel…

sad…
tiresome….
but then again…
my choice…