confession

for three word wednesday , and my 1st poem for this year’s NaPoWriMo…

this must be
the hardest thing
i need to do.
since i am known
to have a knack in
certain things that
varied from
the enjoyment of chaos,
the satisfaction of
making things complicated,
to suppression of emotion,
of tears
and living my life
a day ahead.

i used to think
i owe you not just an apology
but most of all gratitude.

i have been
your constant disapppointment
yet you never raised
a finger to have a taste
of (what i thought, my
well deserved) repercussion.

you showed me a world instead,
of what i could have,
of what (you said) i deserve.
you made me feel protected,
safe.

you made me feel i’m in-control.
of my life,
of this world you created.

but i’ve been talking to myself,
no, this isn’t the first time.
been asking odd questions too.
cause i’ve been noticing—
no, not a change,
but everything seems to
follow a certain pattern—
yes, a conspired charade.

the chaos,
the complications
that challenged me,
made me sore inside.
and as everything crushed;
im resigned to the fact
that this little world
isn’t for me,
wasn’t for me,
will never be mine,
but for your own safety.