selfish…
for readwritepoem, this is the original poem, from last year, selfish …to be honest, i don’t know if i made it better, since i just add few lines…
also for threewordwednesday words are cryptic, flash, malign
can’t you feel the tears
can’t you see the pain,
can’t you ever hear
the roaring of my heart
trying to get in
to where i used to reside.
can’t you understand
the flash and flicker
of agony in my blood-shot eyes?
don’t you recognize
the soul that’s been
uneasy yet never
get tired until
you take her
as your own?
have you forgotten
the smell of fear
that’s living
in each and every hole
of my skin.
how easy for you to
forget the cryptic sighs,
the forced smile,
the reaching hands
wanting, longing
for you to take…
how would you call this?
this malign thing?
selfishness? maybe..
since I’ve forgotten
how to call myself, myself
without you
as the other half of
my so-called me.
May 6, 2009 at 13:51
This is a good piece. Melancholy, and I can imagine being in the position. Well written, I must say
May 6, 2009 at 14:17
“how to call myself, myself”.
Its really sad.Nicely written.
~Harsha
May 6, 2009 at 16:39
“The smell of fear, that’s living” really resonates with me at this time. The whole piece is strong in its images. I don’t remember the original, but would have to say that you’ve improved on it. I like this.
May 6, 2009 at 17:23
I’m sure this is an excellent piece, however, I can’t see it because the type is too feint on this dark background, sorry!
May 6, 2009 at 19:30
Very good piece. I love how well you convey the sadness.
May 7, 2009 at 01:53
Lovely, a very strong start, followed up with intense internal dialogue and the little wordplay in the final stanza. Nicely!!
Thanks for making it easier to read,too!
May 7, 2009 at 02:18
steeped in angst. a lot of abstractions. you might consider some concrete images that illustrate more than narrator declaring how she feels.
May 7, 2009 at 02:33
This is so riveting and I think this week’s 3ww enhanced the tortured and super sad emotions! great poem!
May 7, 2009 at 06:22
“how easy for you to forget…” sigh… this was sad! good job!
May 7, 2009 at 06:58
Interesting use of the prompt words. Nice work, for sure. I agree,though, with the comment that mentioned the difficulty in reading this type on black.
May 7, 2009 at 07:47
Nice one.
May 7, 2009 at 08:48
My favorite bit is the last line, the so-called me.
May 7, 2009 at 16:42
Aside from feeling the melancholia there was also, for me, a touch of anger, frustration. Emotion laden piece. Enjoyed it.
May 7, 2009 at 20:17
I’m not sure how to respond to this.
Some of the imagery is powerful, like “trying to get in to where i used to reside” and “since I’ve forgotten how to call myself, myself”, but I got confused by the yes-no sense of the narrator, who seems to hate and yet want the “other” they are addressing … and I’m honestly not sure if that other is a person or some part of the narrator’s self.
Maybe I’m just too dense today.
May 8, 2009 at 03:01
Tha ws very sad. A strong piece!
May 8, 2009 at 03:36
ahh… my so called me… i really liked the journey… letting someone else have possession of one’s self leads to destruction…
May 8, 2009 at 09:13
I liked the line
“how to call myself, myself
without you
as the other half of
my so-called me.”
Reminded me of Rumi, and of being 21.
May 8, 2009 at 17:56
thanks everybody…
appreciate it a lot…
May 9, 2009 at 22:03
niceely done
May 11, 2009 at 03:16
Powerful.
May 11, 2009 at 16:05
passionate, esp. felt stanzas 2 & 3.