sorry babe..

babe…
i wish i can easily
tell you
i want to be yours…
yours alone…
but we both know
that will be a lie…

honey…
as much as i want
to jump into
this lovely ride
i cannot
for the life of me
make myself be as
committed as you
want me to be…

babe…
you know
i loved you
i still do
but it would mean
another heartbreak
another tear
another chip
on my shoulder
if we, or at least i
will pursue this.

i guess you’re right
i wont be ready
not just because
i am so damn busy
minding other rides
but because i am
way too scared to
stick around…

i am sorry babe
that’s just not my thing…

if only…

in our own special time
another perfect world
i’ll be finding  myself
being wrapped around
by your arms…

another continuous dream
unaltered reality
i’ll be seeing you every
single morning
i’ll look at your face
every single night…

another chocolate coated life
i’ll be holding your hand
without fear
without having to look
behind my back…
without any regret…

if only
this world is as perfect
as we both want it to be..
then i wouldn’t have to
worry a thing
about people i might
disappoint along the way…

for the time being
allow me to say
how much i love you…
and hope against hope
it will be enough…

read then understand

forgive me

if i cannot grasp

the essence of

being in a safer

place other than

where i am…

i know i am

floating

drifting

with no clear

destination

without solid

path

nor track.

i know that.

understand that

i am yet

to find a reason

to move on..

or stop…

how?

how come something
that is supposed to
be right feels
so terribly wrong?
the longing
inside is eating
what is supposed
to be crowding
this empty room…

will you let me
deny the fact
of missing someone
so much while
holding somebody
else’s hand?

show me the way
to shun the images
of holding you close
and making the reality
of these arms around me
disappear..

how can you explain
this feeling of guilt
just thinking about you
as we kiss?

how can i wish
you were here with me?

how can i wish
i’d see your face instead?

how can i feel this way
being unfair
for wanting you instead?

another maybe…

cigarette butts
reminiscent of what
happened last night…
but unlike the stale scent
of my fix
whatever happened isn’t as
vivid
as the ashes
i am looking at…
maybe it was just me…
maybe.

another unimportant
piece to add up
another charge to
the experience…
one speck of gray
to my vibrant life…
or another patch
to cover the imperfection
another shitload
of memory to haunt me…

another reason
not to forgive myself
another reason
not to expect…

i can never wish
for that not to happen
something’s done
cannot be undone…

i can only wish
i wasn’t weak enough…